Feel the burn I'm pushing myself It's so scary And there's been a lot of resistance from sad people and bad days-- but when I held my breath--it passed And I'm starting to know--really know--that ultimately, I resist myself I knew it before by rote. I knew how to say all the right things about battling self doubt and I believed that was how I ought to be-- but I always forgot whenever things fell apart. This year (and especially after meeting B)--I've been relearning things I knew And revisiting places I knew And getting to know people I knew T was telling me I have this habit of minimizing--and that it was a good thing not to take myself too seriously. But--she said-- sometimes I need to acknowledge horror for my own sanity or the smiles will turn into winces and I won't know why I used to joke that denial works for me but after all the shocks this year (which T gently reminded me of)-- denial turned in its notice of resignation I feel like I'm waking up from a dream in a dream I think I decided to be different before I met B I think somewhere between the break up, the abortion, being betrayed by a friend, becoming the office scapegoat, quitting and tutoring a refugee-- I remembered how to get mad And now all I have to do is stay mad enough not to be a doormat and love enough not to be an ungrateful turd |