Oh well Maybe is a stupid word My baby brother said so bitterly Bitterness is as strange as facial hair on this creature I used to carry around I remember the day mama brought him home and held him next to the window for us to marvel at in the afternoon light and shadow We all fell in love with his tiny sleepy breathing He snores now. His lungs are bigger than mine. And his ex-girlfriend added me on Facebook He has an ex-girlfriend. She has short hair like I did at her age and makes friends with the same kind of people I used to know. I try to remember my boyfriend is somebody's brother and somebody's baby And once, somebody held his small body in their arms I try to remember that whatever the ugly thing is, whether it surfaces or not- doesn't matter in the scheme of things Sometimes we're cruel to each other when we cry Only children still stay angry in the presence of a weepy puddle person We've both been through worse I guess This isn't new. We both know how to be okay And how to suspend our disbelief And how to play I want to float on salty warm tears in Sinai I want to sleep on moonlit sand When they knocked me out for the 'termination' As if calling it that would make it feel like pest control When they knocked me out I had the dream I get it when I'm stoned and when I'm half asleep and when I orgasm All the little deaths I wonder if I'll ever orgasm again. Maybe I should get stoned. Maybe is a stupid word. In those moments I had the floating dream It's so vivid-- I can't describe what I saw And I know my imagination isn't that sophisticated when I'm awake That dream makes me want to be nothing I don't mean I get suicidal and sad I want to float And twist around in circles And make snow angels in space Maybe that's something to look forward to the next time I'm in the hospital Now I want to use the littlest of my little fingers to work out how the rest of my life should be And decorate the world with eyelashes And come back to my head
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