orange soda I'm aware that I've invented more than half the dramas I've written about here I don't mean it's all fictional I mean that sometimes it wasn't love, it was hormones And sometimes--okay all the time--it was never as bad as I imagined I can admit that to myself now. I think it's because I did two things after graduating-- I spent a year completely silent (I didn't speak to anyone outside of my immediate family) And then I fell in love with my friend K I didn't expect the most meaningful relationship in my life to be with a girl I don't want to sleep with But it did feel like falling in love And that cycle of traumatizing sex with guys I idealized for my own purposes while they slept with me for theirs, came to an end And I finally figured out where to draw a line between being caring and being a doormat And I finally figured out lots of fundamental little things that add up to old diary entries feeling alien and embarrassing A long time ago S used to tell me that she could usually figure out what people wanted even if they couldn't-- and that she never could with me I guess maybe all the religion I grew up with left a mark on me I've never wanted anything very much I think I'm happily fatalistic Control always seemed exhausting and like too much responsibility I wanted to study art as much as I wanted to eat chocolate, as much as I wanted a nap, as much as I wanted to date someone They were all things I enjoyed and didn't mind I didn't mind most things. What made me cry was not being able to talk to anyone unfiltered or without putting on an act That's all I wanted. And now that I'm living it and I'm not as afraid of it disappearing-- I feel like I can ask myself what else? and it's confusing. i was pretty sure i'd die searching and make lots of fancy art and music and literature about heavy cavities in my chest and sobbing frogs in my throat. i'm not complaining. i am complaining. but it's not what it looks like. Fate, please don't take away my friend i think i think it's like when happy fat people have to exercise and diet because they've become morbidly obese-- and they do it and they look fantastic and everyone tells them how fantastic they look and they say that they liked their old body too and kind of miss it...minus the whole dying part i miss my heavy heart minus the dying and it's sad to see my throat frogs jumping away into the horizon it may seem like i changed so many times on the outside but the one constant for me was that defining loneliness it's strange getting to know myself again. it's strange knowing that this is going to keep happening. it's strange that i find this phase more uncomfortable than losing my religion not the REM song, which i still quite like despite how overplayed it was the last time i was unsure, i comforted myself by believing in orange soda (it still hasn't let me down) now i think i believe in dry humor and cooking experiments and orange soda |