friendship and affection you don't have to like everyone. you're allowed to acknowledge how you feel without worrying so much about 'should'. the only 'should' you should worry about is liking yourself you should try to like yourself not in that defensive, 'everyone and everything is awful so i get to be tastelessly in love with myself and prance around in this ugly parody of self worth' sort of way but in an accepting way, like a good parent or devoted pet like someone who wants it to be okay and is prepared to be called weak for admitting to that you should try to like yourself because if you can like yourself then you can allow yourself to be liked and you can like others and like bad nights and quiet, slow mornings you can like without expecting something back i've been telling people what to do lately and it comes out all wrong, as if it comes from a scared fortress that doesn't let any light in so this is my summation. my neat little snippet. i used to do that before, have blurbs prepared for my thoughts--i didn't used to stutter so much and flounder socially someone said to me it's because i've had to simplify so much for the children that i'm acting that way--but he's wrong, it's because they've simplified so much for me and because not many people give those tiny creatures any credit you should try to like yourself because if you don't, you'll keep looking in all the wrong places and there are so many of them you'll keep looking and you won't stop you'll keep looking and be so busy looking that you won't see the yawning empty side of the road and your breath on the window and you'll miss it you'll miss that something in the mundane that's much warmer and fills up your belly much faster than that vague quick fix you won't confess to yourself you're imagining i know, i know it sounds like i'm telling you what to do-- but that's only because i'm telling you what to do :) and i'm sorry but this is the only 'should' i'll impose on you, i promise. i have to ask you to try. i'm sorry it comes out all mangled and i can end up making you feel like less when all i wanted was for you to feel like more it's just a bottleneck. there's so much going on in inside and it wants to get out all at once so it comes out dented and in spurts. sometimes it doesn't come out at all and it's easier to invent, to demonstrate by roleplay or mirroring and that conversation i wanted to have so badly turns into a drawn out farce of human connection--theatrics, posturing, absolute points that are never debated again because we'll never speak again and that's the end of the story that i never wanted to write sometimes i dig myself into a hole i can't climb out of and some sort of point gets made, so i let it go-- i forget about that conversation i wanted to have so badly and i forget about the person that i could talk to. i forget about those conversations i never had but the thing is, they don't forget about me they hang in the air, they loom above me while i sleep and they echo in new rooms i visit that feel oddly like the old ones i knew so well this is for you, i haven't forgotten and i don't love you less. and you'll never know how sorry i am about that hole. |