miss the shaaaame --THE SHAAAME on the one hand, it's nice to bump into someone whose gorgeousness is absolutely stupefying after years of 'meh, he's okay' on the other hand, being reduced to a twitching stuttering fool for the longest minute in the history of time--not so fun cute awkward boy from the past got HOT--correction--HAWT. well if there's anyone i could tolerate turning into incoherent mush around, it would be him because he gets the geeky side. once a geek, always a blubbering insecure mess about it. and he always did acknowledge my existence even though he was a temperamental, fakey fakey, macho macho guy sometimes ... :) ... awww, it was a nice hug after all. frighteningly genuine. i'm glad he's better. i'll get over my compulsive need to be eloquent and charming every waking second and some of the sleeping ones too. --- so apparently genuine scares me now. i haven't been naked in a long time. that won't do. i miss naked. i miss head exhibitionism. i just wish there was a way to do it without being an obnoxious asshole. i wish it could be quiet. it's so hard to bump into strangers when you have a schedule. inching through wust el balad destroyed me. the smells, the faces, the sounds--i was drowning in flashbacks, a frog was clawing at my throat and i realized i'd been fidgeting uncontrollably in my seat when the driver gave me a scared look. i wanted to float in the crowds so badly. i want my shoulders to get knocked. i want my space invaded. just for a bit, i want some noise again. --- last time i had my knees pried apart, i felt like an old lady being ravaged by an angry old man. it was familiar and violent and sweet and boring and desperate next time these knees come apart it won't be like that i never liked sex in the summer anyway, it's redundant. the sun is out, the water's inviting and i have skin. i miss watching him move though |