from the april 2011 version an update for me. items that will only be of interest to my future self as documented idiosyncrasies i once had/still have. -- i'm singing the same songs differently. maybe all that listening to blondie made my voice huskier. maybe i smoked too much screamed too much listened to blondie and realized i don't have to stop singing. i'm of the very firm belief that you can love, despise or ignore someone within minutes of speaking with them. not a matter of should. it happens. it happens to me and i'm running with it. something about being asked to prove myself makes me want to ... not. i could do so much more if i felt nobody obliged me to do anything. i'm sure of this. i don't want to be married. i want regular sex with my best friend who just so happens to have a penis and the same address and openness to creating babies with me. i'm not a girl or a boy. and i don't care about what it means. i find vaginas ugly and penises and balls silly. i will not paint or write poetry about them. i neglect my toes and elbows -but they still love me i keep thinking about my first kiss. i had potato in my mouth. he bruised my lips. it was awful. i like my second kiss-- my only real kiss in the street. i don't talk about that one. i tell them about the robotic french kiss and about how short he was. i'm happy i'm older. i'm happy everyone i grew up with is older. all the callow cruelty melts away when you don't have time to be better later. yesterday i learned about the transformative power of heels, and that you can't feel broken whilst strutting. i plan to strut more often. i remember all my prayers now. i couldn't before. i didn't want to. i resented them. but now i know they're just words that rhyme that can mean many things and now i know what they mean to me. i whisper them before i sleep, like i did when i was a kid. it's the only way that feels honest to me. i still can't-- i still won't pray around anyone else. confessions lead to love, but that kind of love fades away everything fades away. theres very little that just stops clean. or starts clean for that matter. everything comes into focus, and the colors intensify-- then everything slowly fades. |