Let it be I'm sorry. This is how I want to live-- and I understand there's no guarantee that it's the best way, I know it isn't the only way and I would never dream of asking it to be your way. That's the difference between us--your certainty, your streamlined thinking and your good intentions. It's funny that even though you managed to find someone who could pretty much live with anything-- you did the one thing that could drive them away. You tried to change their nature. The very nature that accepted you in the first place. Leo said I confused running with never having a reason to stay. And I chose to run, I guess, because being a fugitive is being with purpose. Much more romantic, much more tragic than being lonely and bored. Hysterically bored. So bored that dying seemed exciting. At the very least it seemed like a challenge. And a challenge can feel like company. Complacency on the other hand, was too frightening for me to even consider. I couldn't run from you though. When the specter of our arguments poked its head around every corner--I knew I wasn't being chased. That wasn't love, that was need. That wasn't concern, that was control. I couldn't run from a place I'd never been. And it was devastating to stand still and let the world come into focus. It was like all my Monets turned into stock photographs of flowers in ugly calendars. So I put walls up after you. A line of defense, or maybe just a line. A clear line between the fantasies I love dearly and the disappointments I should never have believed in. Actually the line was more like barricades of reinforced steel with sandbags behind them and a forest of prickly poisonous bushes even further behind that. I thought I'd be fine in there. But I missed somebody. Somebody who was kind of pushy in a way I didn't want to remember. Someone with a brain disease I tried to forget. Someone who spoke a language I buried with my virginal aspirations of becoming a person to be reckoned with--becoming a grown up. God she was horrifying. She was everyone I loved and lost, loved and left. Then it occurred to me that she wasn't anyone I'd loved. I remembered I hadn't gotten to that part yet with her. Even though I'd crashed and burned and disappeared and worst of all sins amongst girlfriends-- disagreed, vehemently We were still edging closer and closer to loving each other. And it dawned on me that I finally found someone who means what they say. |