kaden that's her name, it means warrior, she didn't know that when she chose it though-- she's got strong intuition she's also a fish, like me unlike me she's a fighter and spirited and new and delightfully intense she's delicate and vibrant ... and i'm tired. i feel like i'm living in a perverted replay of memories. it's not so much anyone or anything in particular in 'the now' that's problematic it's just what they represent, what it used to be like, who i once was that hurts (just sift through the cheese in this entry) it's not regret, that implies movement into the past the past is haunting me, i never fully understood what that meant but i believe it means that the past has taken a life of its own and has shoved this moment i'm supposed to be living in out of the way. it's like every inch of this place is echoing every voice and painted with every line of every face of every person who wriggled their way into my life and now it's unlikely i'll ever see them again, which at one point was my choice but now is a matter of practicality. and practicality is never romantic. it's just what you want to think of when you've dissociated into a deconstruction theory mess of a person. you have to get a job and a husband and a degree (please don't infer preference from the chronology of that list), you have to concentrate on more important things like how to eat everyday and how to sleep when it's dark and wake when there's light out how am i supposed to think of survival after the luxury of metaphysics baba? now i'm a person who has to work. goodbye lengthy abstract conversations in my head. i bequeath you to kaden. |