truths i dare not speak i have neither the space nor the will to make space for a different life. i could be different--better--in more eyes. i just don't have the energy to decide. when you see someone being spontaneous, it seems like this person can so easily choose and so easily disregard circumstance--it seems amazing, it seems free but if you look closely you realize an impulse is only an impulse because it's easy it's easy to act when you feel strongly. and some things are easy to feel-- anger those things are easily defined and easily prompted love i'm much slower with those i don't feel like that's where i am though, well i'd rather be crippled than bear the consequences of hurting others, and it's not sacrifice. it comes from a very selfish need to be loved. and for a while i got away with it-- but eventually loved ones get bored, empathy isn't enough see it's not very admirable to choose not to choose. it isn't regarded as a choice at all. but i can't fake it-- i can't pretend--i still want. i want so many things including nothing. but what i want isn't good for me. either way isn't good for me -- not now. especially not now. and it isn't another empathetic promise that never results in action. it is a decision it's almost always said as an insult here-- 'you're free'--meaning you're wrong, you're strange, you're something i can not accept it's so unfair no. i'm not free. no i don't have a choice. well that's not entirely true-- i do have the one: community or alone and since only the cave priests choose alone i'm stuck with community because i have emotional and psychological needs-- i am not free it's easier to give people the idea of choice. because then you can assign blame. it's painful without blame. and you can get lost without having somewhere to point your finger. in reality that decision, and the thousands of little ones we make everyday, have only to do with one thing-- survival it's the same choice over and over. to be or not to be? "you brought it on yourself" nobody likes to think we're any smaller. it's more boring and even medieval to acknowledge forces beyond THE INDIVIDUAL, HUMANITY and its greatness. it's much more boring to concede that we have limitations, mental and physical. i love to dream, i love to float and pretend and show the strength of romance so someone can see and believe it's possible but it's not so simple. i've learned the hard way to respect circumstance. the dreams aren't any fun when they become broken promises. |