- suicide can never be an impulse and that's why i'm still alive. i wonder how i'll hide my scar. i want to talk to someone who doesnt want anything from me i want to be done with everything. now. now now now. i want a plan. a set plan. when i watched genent el asmak i suddenly became aware of the fact that there wasnt a shoulder beside me. well there was fou and didi but their shoulders belong to each other i don't know. i really wanted a shoulder i could call mine-- it was a very painful longing...and just for a body part mina's so beautiful. i could spend the rest of my life looking at him. and i know that i love him. i'm absolutely certain of it actually. lately i've been remembering my friend...shhh shhh something, my best friend, my first best friend-- she taught me how to glare. her doll's fingernails would turn red when we ran them under hot water. the first time i slept over. the first time i left the house. it was amazing. and lately i've been wanting the feeling of waking up in her apartment. she lived in one of those shiny tall buildings faced with mirrors-- they look like something out of a science fiction movie. but i remember very distinctly the way sunlight would come into the room. i can't believe i haven't thought of her until now i'm hungry for firsts. i always want to experience firsts. |