Run-away A person doesn�t value their life very much if they�re willing to die for anything. I was willing to die for my family, my friends, babies� And the list just kept growing�until one day I realized I would die for a stranger. But I couldn�t even die for myself, I tried�and I couldn�t. My family thinks I�m being selfish by living alone. I asked my mother if I had left in a conventional way (ie, marriage) �would it be okay then, would that have been considered a tragedy. She said it�d be different, I�d be with someone to take care of me, and I�d be safe. I told her that I highly doubted being attached to a man would make me safer (or at least safer than I am now). She said I was asking her not to be my mother. I feel I was asking not to be mothered. Maybe that�s the same thing. I�ve denied her my life. And I feel bad because it�s like I stole something from her�but it�s like what they say�is it really stealing if you steal something stolen? Am I really nothing more than a very developed ovary? Am I really nothing more than my father�s sperm? Is freedom a silly thing to fight for? What has it done for the world? I feel torn between the pleasure of a concept I�ve always idealized and martyrdom for a cause I understand is worthy (my family). Die nobly or just live? Is it so selfish to live? |