Living, and a living thing I own. i was confused before--because i always came to the same conclusion, i have no reason to be unhappy. now i understand that i have no reason in general--to be unhappy, or otherwise. i no longer wish to find solace or truth or home, i no longer wish. i met my grandmother today-- or at least what passes for my grandmother she's dead. she looks and sounds and swears like my grandmother but she cant recognize her own son she cant recognize herself all she knows is that she wants to be what she used to be she kept swearing and smiling to herself, it hurt everyone that knew and loved her fortunately i'm not one of those people and despite how tragic it was all supposed to be this scene-- an old demented woman sitting on the side of her bed, finally surrounded by the family she'd pushed away over the years telling them all to fuck off as ismaeen yaseen sang on a television screen behind her "3andy sha3r, sa3a tru7 wi sa3a tigi" (i have this insanity, it comes and goes, it comes and goes) i couldnt help thinking this shell of a woman has never been more genuine in her entire life, she has never been more alive i dont want to wait until i lose the ability to remember myself to say and do and feel what i want i hated my grandmother, but today, i could see that as strong-willed and controlling as she seemed when she was "of sound mind and body" she was as just as trapped by her persona as she seemed freed by it its only okay for her to laugh today, now that she's sick and "not herself" its only okay for her to be vulgar and yell YOUR MOTHER'S CUNT today, now that she's sick and "not herself" but she IS herself, now more than ever, now that she's forgotten why she wasnt allowed to be like she really wanted to be and that isnt sad. not to me. i dont care! and i dont care deeply. but this is a concept beyond those that function and even those that transcend caring is so human so i'll rephrase i care about not caring. because for over eighty years my father's mother cared, and it resulted in nothing and today she's free, and it's dangerous and she'll die but its unaffected and i can finally love her and that counts for something. how much of your actions are yours from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep? i'm very attracted to people like nora and sara because i'm somehow convinced that what they are in public is what they are alone--this means i can know them, and i feel its very kind of them then there are the others, who are polite for the sake of others, conversational and sweet. or even angry and rude, one dimensional so they seem easy to digest, so they're "honest" to everyone the greatest dishonesty is given in charity and i have nothing against them, they're trying to be kind in their own way--but i'll never get to know these people, and so i'll never get to love them. --- i have a hamster. i dont know what to do with him. His name is Bob Finals aka 7antoura aka The Bitch. |