Not okay but it's okay I don't think they'll take me back at work (but my manager was very kind) Nou is travelling today and I want her to be safe I'll try to help Kojak with his brother's kids I can't teach them but I can send material It breaks my heart The scary things I've seen in videos, they actually experienced And they're just kids It breaks my heart I'm glad they're in Canada I'm glad more people are aware of the genocide And as disgusting as it is that the soldiers are urinating on and mutilating Palestinian corpses while they laugh, I'm glad they film themselves I hope they keep filming themselves and sharing on telegram, I hope every laugh and heart emoji is recorded -- every name The nice part about breaking down is I get to cry now I don't have to mask in front of European strangers and emphasize I'm American and not a threat so they're willing to learn English with me as a teacher I can cry and have my septum ring out (I tucked it into my nose for classes) I don't have to blubber out of bed to the bathroom and dunk my face in cold water and breathe and smile in the mirror and feel like Christian Bale insufferably method acting for freeee I can cry but I'm trying to keep it together too 10 days until I can talk to the shrink and 21 days until Nou comes back First I'll slowly clean up, then I'll start packing some things for moving in with Nou She said independence is a myth and everybody needs everybody And she needs me to need her so it's fair :) If it gets very bad, I can call Mou and Saf If it gets very very bad I can contact Nou's mom and get keys for Nou's apartment Right now I'm a slightly nauseous teary eyed person in a blanket burrito and it's okay I didn't smoke Omg I wanted to smoke so badly and I didn't You know what's weird... She has the same defining trauma as me We both wanted to save our mamas And she reminds me of my mama and I have a looot in common with her mama The pigeons are building nests on my window sill again I need to stop running at walls hoping that I'll break through Sometimes I do for a bit but my body doesn't handle it for long Healing and then part time work Right now work up to walking again Back to walking and breathing |