White knuckling it maybe being loved is being witnessed I want to play properly maybe I can buy my brother's old guitar and play outside like I did when I was young and numb, numb then, numb now she got out of it I mean she had a very pushy pseudo wife dragging her out of it and holding her in her lap in a bathroom stall she had that body but she really really hated herself and I don't really hate myself I just hate feeling like this I tried to make space for who I might be today I did some drawing I sang a 90s pop song that was too lyrically relevant and it felt like my subconscious was teasing me my (random song selection) alarm this morning was "Staying Alive" my phone is teasing me too going to try to find a shrink to give me meds but feel panicked about that and hopeless and it's hard accepting help I don't want to spend so much money on someone telling me to mood journal or walk I don't want to spend money to retraumatize myself by explaining everything in chronological order again work makes me want to throw up it feels like an insane loop I'm stuck in a loop five years ago Em from the bay area was offering me a ticket to Berlin and this time it was Nou five years ago I quit teaching online and now I want to quit teaching online five years ago, something ripped inside me when I washed my mama in the morgue and now I'm still in pieces Nady said, it's a processing loop different iterations giving slightly different data and it doesn't feel like progress but it is until we get to the next loop I wonder if he's alive? I bet all the money I don't have that he's married to a Buckeye white girl I won't look for a shrink I'll just keep white knuckling it and then maybe my heart will give out or something this is the horrible plan for now Mou and Saf won't approve but they can't make meeee I'll fix my laptop And talk to strangers I miss Axel |