Solar anything? It's grey It's cold It rained yesterday and the day before so at least the trees are happy I need sun I need sun doing heavy lifting in my brain They added a bunch of new classes and then informed me way too late that students' cancelled classes need to be compensated for by the end of January and first week of February One guy cancelled three classes because of flu And the other students haven't replied yet It's stressing me out The technical English group of engineers who wander in and out of the room over the course of two hours are also stressing me out (they were on winter holiday and are back now expecting engineering terms) I want to see Nou and I'm afraid of being clingy and I keep going through this loop where I feel invincible and then suddenly feel absolutely worthless and terrified that a) I'm not good enough for her and will ruin her life in some unforeseen way or b) I'm not good enough for her and she'll notice and break up with me or worse not break up with me but slowly fade awaaay I can't help comparing myself to her--- she's so successful and adorable and has a cute group of friends that she games with and socializes with regularly I feel old and fat and weeeird My living situation is weird, my friends are faraway and I don't socialize regularly The only thing somewhat going for me is Im pretty good at this job and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up And now with all the schedule changes, I get a huge panic attack Because it's not just admin or lesson planning or a follow up email, it's my worth as a human being That's stupid. That's fucked up. That's my parents That's some militaristic international British school childhood bullshit I feel better Thank you diary :) I did chores I pressed my face on the kitchen window trying to catch a bit of sun before it hid behind a cloud again It's the sun I need suuuun My limbs feel heeavyyyy Maybe I'll call my friend from my old job We were supposed to hang out in her neighborhood for a chat (she lives near the park I used to walk around!) After I finish my lesson plans Maybe I think the park will feel cold and saaaad I want to go over to Nou's and maybe work there but I don't want to impoooose Plus I'd probably just end up cuddling Maybe not Maybe I'll do that Nou sunshine? |