98 still going, this one's about death and very heavy Can't sleep Talked to Kojak He's not good Of course not We talked about our mamas And schizophrenia in the family I talked about my cousin Deena, she was around my age when she died We talked about how different people mourn I said There's no good death, hospital is bad, at home is bad --so try not to blame yourself He said I know that rationally Oh Kojak What can I say or do... We talked about guilt I couldn't eat noodles for a long time because Mama wanted noodles before the ambulance arrived and I didn't let her finish And in the ICU she wanted a hand fan I couldn't find the one she wanted Only a broken one that a very kind person taped up for me in the hospital gift shop I keep finding hand fans everywhere now First the green one she wanted Then other ones randomly surfaced I have five I decided it's mama saying hi I havent thought about the hospital for a while How everybody's faces darkened as time passed I was jealous of the family that got to leave In Islam, there's a ritual washing/preparation of the body before it's buried called "ghosl" I had to do that in the hospital morgue My sister cried and faced the wall My aunt helped me, Cousin Aly's mama, Tante E There was a strange woman who did ghosl as her job She was wearing niqab outside (that's the one with the face covering, like a ninja dress) But then she took off her abaya/dress thing and she was wearing pink leopard leggings! I remember thinking, that can't be right can it? I didn't say anything Mama looked so grey They didn't take out her tube Leopard leggings was very calm and gave us clear instructions I tried to keep it together but the tears erupted out of me when I had to turn mama over Then leopard woman snapped at me, I guess she was afraid I'd become hysterical She realized I was just crying and switched to saying I was doing well again What a bizarre job to have My aunt kind of lost it when I cried and kept asking if she was really dead She's really dead Tante Now Tante E is gone too And my uncle She said she saw my uncle in a dream saying he's waiting for her She died a couple of days later, COVID I don't know Everybody who passed in my family seemed to see it coming There are probably a thousand ways to explain that but I don't want to I'm not a light person It's okay I have to breathe through every other thought in my head It means I can understand a lot of complex situations and people feel safe with me It means I'm not so much help because I'm hurt too That's the first time I talked about the ghosl I felt pain in my hands and arms, I cried and skipped over bits And some bits are just blurry Maybe they'll get unlocked if my eyes dance around like I'm watching tennis (that's what we do in EMDR sessions) Not today I hope I feel better when the moon passes This is tiring |