97 blaming it on the moon Impulsive thoughts I haven't acted on yet: 1. Online shopping for tiny things I could probably get for cheaper at the shady stationery store (car key battery, super glue) 2. Buying expensive jewelry making kit(s) 3. Buying new size 7 knitting needles because I lost one (which is much worse than losing the pair) (I looked everywhere) (I looked in the fridge) 4. Getting my septum pierced at this cool new place that's run by women and only takes women clients (wiggly eyebrows) Impulsive thoughts I have acted on: 1. Drink coffee (I was going to drink it at night but waited til breakfast...I still get a gold star sticker? I should give the kids my stickers. Too much teaching paraphernalia giving me flashbacks) 2. Admit the boobs are bigger. I've written before about my boob complex. I got new bras. They feel so good and comfy. I stress tested them. Jumping jacks and leaps and Baba yelling "WHATS SHE DOING UP THERE" Hassan called asking if I was moving furniture/dead. --- -No Ain Sokhna, maybe I'll go when it's colder. Ain Sokhna means hot spring, it's always warm there. I love the beach but it takes me a long time to adjust to a new routine and different environments. I decided to end beach mode and learn to be in Cairo again so I'm sticking to it. Besides which, I think Tante Z and Riri need some quality time together after the move. I don't want to get in the middle of that. -I was too anxious to meet Matty. I can't do it. She's very sad and I understand that. Well I can't understand what it is to be trans here, I can't ever know that hell. But I do understand my patterns and how I become this "pick me up" -- I do it when I'm not equipped and when I'm not okay myself. And it's harmful for both of us. It's what happened with my sister. I drained myself to the point of panic attacks and insomnia. And in the end, I didn't allow her to take accountability or advocate for herself. I was so afraid of hurting her feelings that I kept excusing behaviour I didn't believe in. I did the same with my girlfriends. I'm so terrified of hurting women that I end up enabling them and hurting them anyway. It's why I think it's easier to talk to guys because I don't mind hurting their egos. I feel like society will help them up again anyway. I know, I know Dr. Freud. It's mama and baba. Feeling responsible for my mother's feelings because she kept threatening to leave and raging at my father for abusing her. --I found some well paying gigs. Some Emirati guy is making it rain but I couldn't bring myself to apply. I need a break. I'm not feeling confident. Plus I don't feel like dancing around the subtext of a Gulfi-Egyptian interview. A lot of Egyptian manual laborers work in the Gulf, which is a very classist place. So they're often prejudiced against Egyptians. Even my father had to deal with it as a relatively successful doctor. My sister was married to the son of the ambassador to the Emirates and they were still openly racist to her, both for being Filipino and Egyptian. She briefly worked in media production, she was really good at it too. That isn't to say Egypt is much better, we're also very xenophobic and classist. I can't write about it because I like not being behind bars... (Refugees, Sudan, early 2000s, near where I lived in the city, I saw it with my own eyes, blood all over the sidewalk and I will never never never never never forget. There were little kids.) ------------------------------------ God I wish I was a lighter person I don't want to traumatize people every time I open my mouth I don't want to traumatize myself Im tired of grounding exercises and breathing through every other thought in my head I hate Lars Von Trier and Werner Herzog and sadness porn You know how they make me feel? The same way people who wear glasses without lenses "for the aesthetic" make unattractive people who actually wear glasses feel But Herzog is funny though. Okay, I like Herzog sometimes. I know I'm not the only one with horrific memories. Skeletons in closets. (I really like that idiom, I wonder where it came from) Another thing that's hard to admit-- I feel so alone and I don't know how to do anything about it There are three different ways I've existed socially so far: --Very isolated person who surfaces only when it's absolutely necessary. People think I'm weird because I sound like I've been in a bunker. And Cairo changes very fast, we're over 20 million people-- the shops, entertainment, even language changes so it's very easy to become an outsider. --I pick one person to hide behind and we become codependent and each other's crutches until we recognize (after several years) it's unhealthy and disappear on each other --Lala the socialite. This one I can't seem to do sober or when I'm not in danger. Apparently, when I'm self destructive, I'm super fun. And I find myself in very strange places. I love telling Lala the socialite stories and I enjoy being her when I'm not vomiting/crying/terrified. Lala the socialite's life is fast. She's never alone. I admire that she's decisive. Even though many of those decisions are questionable, she somehow survives? I think Lala the socialite has a guardian angel or something. Right now I'm the very isolated person. Or maybe phasing out of it. There are friends who want to see me. But it takes so much energy to see them. And I don't even mean socializing energy, I mean logistically -- driving is a nightmare, the subway feels like assault. I'm scared of eating through my savings. I want this luxury of taking a break when I need it. I hear Lala the socialite whispering. She's the one who wants the septum piercing and purple hair. And she wants to day drink in dive bars in Maadi. Go home with strangers who could be murderers. I don't think the adrenaline is worth being murdered. But maybe I will get the piercing. It's just a piercing. The aftercare will be horrible. It will be a sensory nightmare for a while. And there'll be a family drama/Baba breakdown. But I'll feel cute and more like who I am inside. Oof, the coffee is hitting hard. Hamster flamenco heart. Maybe I can make a new way? A fourth way? Sarah who sometimes does scary things she enjoys without being angry and self destructive first. Sarah who takes space for herself and sees friends when she feels good about it. Sarah who isn't a terrified doormat around women. ... My nose is going to hurt a lot isn't it |