I like me I'm a knot It really hurts I wish that someone would acknowledge it Not try to fix it and shove me under a rug I wish I didn't have to be so loud about it for basic help That takes energy too I'm a knot with deep purple nail polish And a sewing kit, shaped like a button It feels good to fix things myself I can't fix my body or fix the world I desperately wanted to fix the world I wanted to be a journalist A diplomat I was in the model UN, three times I can't fix my family I couldn't fix my mother I'm not Mary Poppins or Anne of Green Gables I couldn't rationalize away the trauma (I did really well though, considering) I gave up on my body for a bit And while I can't fix it -- I can be nice I've been nice and it made a difference Even in my knot position I know it's made a difference I made jewellery out of broken bits and bobs Bobs and bits? Bobs? Boobs. Sometimes I'm grateful for the pain because it gives me the courage to say no And it forces me to cry Sometimes I think without the pain I would've kept pushing and pushing until I killed myself in my twenties I look back and I can't understand how I functioned I just kept running, one project to another, one person to another, one bed to another Juggling so many different masks And I was young and pretty so while my friends were being tortured The officer just smiled at me and cooed and said "Are you a thug too Sarah..." And I smiled back I smiled when I was trapped I smiled when I was choked and chased I smiled while I shook and I cried I smiled because I didn't want to die and I didn't know how to fight Sometimes it saved me Sometimes it was the reason I was targeted I didn't think about it I kept running Until the pain took over My friend was talking about how there is a grieving process with chronic pain and disability How you mourn who you were and who you could've been But I don't think I was anybody, not really I think I just ran, occasionally with other runaways And mostly they weren't people either Just reflexes And I think who I could've been was a corpse I like me now I don't hate my mirror and I don't cut my arms and thighs and I don't smoke I frown and I make sad sounds when I cry and scrunch up my face I know what I like and what I don't like I'm friends with doubt, we have conversations and we're the same size I do kind things for myself and I appreciate it too I still hate the pain as well I'm not rubbing my belly singing kumbaya But I hate it like I hate family It's not a villain It's part of who I am And I really like who I am |