Still 76 I'm waiting for the bathroom Hassan's here I gave him a hug and retreated into my room for work/safety Oh he's out of the bathroom ------ Back, brushed teeth, moisturized face Cousin Aly and Cat are coming tomorrow night Hassan is still a snob but a civil snob I finished my script and met up with him, Baba and tante at the beach cafe in the evening Sally facetimed Hassan announcing she received "the money" Her voice got cold when she realized Tante Z and I were present I got on my phone and didn't look up but heard everything She's withdrawing from her rainy day savings again which is a complicated process--limits, fees etc. They have access to her account --why not me? Because baba is god and Hassan is god in training. I don't mind, I don't know how to transfer money abroad anyway So I can't do and don't know how to do diddly squat And yet, before we stopped speaking, she'd cry at me, making me think her life was falling apart and she was destitute in the suburbs of Vancouver or something And I'd worry about my niece and nephew And I'd panic and pressure Baba and Hassan to figure it out and they'd blow me off Eventually they'd get to it after I developed full blown insomnia And she'd buy a fucking snowboard 🙄 and tell me I'm crossing a boundary by questioning her financial choices 🙄🙄🙄 Now that I'm out of the picture, Baba and Hassan are struggling to fill the role I played and mad at ME about it She's mad at me too Hassan asked her if she filed her taxes and I had flashbacks How do you get mad at someone who isn't your hired accountant for not doing your taxes? Ask Sally. Tante said get the girls to talk, Hussein (that's Baba) And I violently shook my head and went back to my phone while they chatted After she hung up, Baba and Hassan panicked about how to send her the next payment while turning to stare at me after every other sentence I froze and continued staring at my phone and tante was very confused by the tension She broke it by talking about how much she loved Indian food and I exhaled and replied I LOVE POORI BREAD God bless Tantey And she gave me a goodbye Toblerone too My heart's still fast I'm not responsible for Sally They are not baba's victims, they are daddy's girl and golden boy They're richer than me and act like Im the mess of the family when I wrote Hassan's thesis, I took the blame for Sally's fuck ups Whatever their struggles are, I'm sure they're valid but they're THEIRS Mostly they didn't do anything for me when I was in pain or in trouble And sometimes they even actively made things worse Hassan would snap at me when our parents made him drive me to my gyno and I'd hold in tears in the waiting room I've never received a birthday present from either of them, not once I got them the presents THEY'D ASK ME TO GET They have been kind on occasion And I magnify those memories and put them in gold gilded frames But we're in our thirties now and the pattern is so plain to see To see what most of the time was like, not some of the time And even the height of my bloop delusion couldn't ignore all that Mama told me she was leaving when I was 8 or 9 and that I was "the new mama" now Baba parentalized me in more subtle ways I've done enough for them It's enough I'm not the new mama. I'm learning things from Z Her forceful no I noticed the way Baba asked her if Aly and Cat could stay at her place Full of guilt tripping-- I don't know about sharing the bathroom with my prostate issuuuues, I'm bunking with Hassaaaan, Aly's such a good kiiiid He went around and around and I couldn't believe it I felt like I was peeking behind the curtain So all of this crap is very deliberate on his part then He didn't get to the actual question before Z said, ABSOLUTELY NOT He said of course of course, it's your place no I'd never burden you -- it's just the bathroom... YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE INVITING THEM ON HASSAN'S WEEKEND It's just Aly's work schedule didn't... PLAN BETTER NEXT TIME, I HAVE TO PACK NOW BYE I applauded in my head and smiled into my food It's going to suck for a bit Hassan, Aly and Baba are going to make a boys club and expect me to entertain Cat Cat will want me to help her make them tea and coffee and breakfast and lunch and dinner and clean up after them and laugh bitterly And she'll point out every stain in the flat like it's my personal failure And she'll want me to escort her to the pool for fun girly time talk like how she thinks Egyptians are backwards and her SEVERE MARITAL ISSUES and she'll equate that with my struggles with Baba I have a couple of escape plans: Option 1: Oh no. I am very very ill. Cough. I better lock the door. Germs. Cough. Option 2: What's this? A new contract for a million scripts! Alas, I must focus on my work. Better lock the door. To focus. I tried being honest, she argues. "No because Aly..." "No because your father..." "We have to..." Let me stop you right there Cat, IIII don't have to do anything And AAAND neither do you! "You are silly crazy kyat Sarah" I made the mistake of telling her I was autistic, she asked me to use Google translate She nodded and said "Ah yis, small brain" Jesus Christ. I can't. I won't. I'm channeling the power of Tante Z And packing from now She packed over three days! Genius! |