46 Larry, Curly and Mo He didn't like to go by Mohammed He didn't like to speak Arabic I wanted to orgasm too He was furious when my hymen broke on his fingers He said I reminded him of the chick from Ghost World-- "but like Asian and hotter" Thanks? Sometimes I wonder where he'd be if cosplay existed in Cairo back then Probably at the end of somebody's fist He taped us once Thankfully he didn't like how he looked and deleted it Imagine? There are no Egyptian Kardashians or Hiltons -- there are just dead girls One day he was dropping me off at Riri's (They had negotiated me out of the shanty town to Riri's house, I lived there for a year) He kissed me good night The window on my side of the car was open Somebody hit the back of my head with a wrench I saw it was a wrench when I turned around Why is this mechanic angry? He spat at me and called me sharmoota (whore) I froze My lizard body was very far away but I could hear muffled yelling Mo was yelling at me to go upstairs He was screaming at the man when my body walked toward the gate I could see a woman peeking from behind a curtain and I understood My body walked up the stairs, I pulled a ring off my index finger and put it on my ring finger I swivelled it around so it looked like a band and I told my body to stop shaking The woman came out, "I didn't know you live here, who was that" My fiance. "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding but you should be more careful" I nodded My body walked up to Riri's apartment and sat on my bed listening to Mo screaming I didn't cry until the next day Mo called me to come out and see Spiderman I can't "What do you mean? Don't be annoying." I'm not trying to annoy you, I just can't "Well I'm not going to miss it-- I'm not going to wait for you, this is really selfish" Okay I hung up and cried until my eyes were poofy balls We broke up shortly after And then, there was a blogger called Basel He was very funny We went on a date He knew Mo, everybody knew Mo That was the first time my stomach hurt when he came up We had very awkward sex -- he smiled at himself in the mirror the whole time I was dry and it hurt and I just wanted to leave I left Sara's necklace there, she was so mad at me (it was her mom's) Later I saw it on Basel's wife Mo invited me out for coffee, he brought up Basel's wife-- they were very good friends I have to tell you something... I didn't know they were together "Why did you even tell me?" She's your friend? "This is so fucked up. Do you know what you've done? You fucking SLUT." He pounded the table with slut. He did that when we broke up. Table pounding and yelling. The waiter brought me tissues. No waiter this time. I was glad no one heard. I stared out the cafe window and cried. That was the last time I talked to Mo. I saw Basil and his wife at some events afterwards I felt so ugly and bad My psyche was just in tatters Everything was too intense, everything felt violent When I met Ozzy, he explained Mo was a creep Ozzy was slutty but not a creep When he propositioned me I froze And he noticed and said sorry He didn't flirt with me after that He didn't touch me He waited and he asked and he made me feel good He was the first person to make me feel good I guess that's why he'll always be in my head Why I always forgave him I've never talked about this Not even to therapists We always got stuck in ages 4 to 13 The thing is-- Mo wasn't the first or last or worst person to violate me I'm sure he's been to workshops unpackaging toxic masculinity I'm sure he's said something like "that's just how boys were raised in Egypt" And he's right Besides, I wanted to hurt myself I hate that but it's true I was drawn to violent men I chose to be alone with them That doesn't mean I deserve what happened But I know that part of me wanted it And when I went to feminist meetings and gatherings, I felt ashamed It was very difficult to accept It was very difficult to forgive and understand myself |