fight flight freeze fuuu During one of the somatic therapy sessions I had a flashback An actual flashback I don't know why I didn't think they were real, or at least I thought they were exaggerated People don't actually get stuck in quicksand right? I was suddenly very small My limbs were small There was sunlight behind this enormous shadow hovering over me It was mama I was frantically pawing at and kicking the air, like a cockroach on its back I was afraid but I also felt betrayed When I came back I was very light headed and vomited Then I felt so deeply relaxed I felt like someone massaged my skeleton I slept really deeply It didn't last long, my muscles knotted up into stone again by the next day I wish I could show what that feels like to everyone who thinks "spare the rod spoil the child' Mama was like Cinderella as a kid, the shitty part of the story My Catholic grandparents had 9 children and at some point couldn't take care of them all They gave two of them away to different relatives Mama stayed with an aunt who made her do manual labor My grandparents eventually took her back They left my uncle with someone else, he wouldn't speak to anyone in the family except for my mother for years Everybody has a horror story Last summer I spent time with my aunt and her circle of 70 to 80 year old women at a beach village on the north coast I drank a lot of tea We talked about food And every now and then they'd bring up something breathtakingly tragic in the most matter of fact way 'Yes, her husband drowned here a few years ago'--vaguely motions at the waves--'Pass the sugar habibty' I think I understand why they get so invested in and cry over soap operas now You know how they say we should teach how to do taxes and things we actually need in school? Can we add grief to the curriculum? I think my sister did a good job of that with her kids I'm really proud of her |