At least I'm sure I'm real It's good to ask It's humiliating to always ask It's good to wait It's soul destroying to do nothing but wait Today I decided I won't wait or ask, I offered him his ring and the chance to measure up He chose the ring I wasn't apologetic, I wasn't reassuring, I was raw hurt And to him that was the equivalent of sadistic name calling I almost wanted to show him what being insulting is really like I dont think he's ever been criticized by anyone in his life other than his mommy and daddy He showed me my faults and I accepted them, I was willing to be the crazy one who needs therapy, I chose therapy, he didnt push or ask, I volunteered I showed him his faults and he withdrew He wants perfect hair and skin He says it's for me He wanted that before me Most things he said were for me, he wanted before me He made a virtue out of his necessities And made me feel bad about subsequently regretting my sacrifices And now my chest burns but I cant cry I cried almost every day we were together But now I cant seem to Is it silly to feel sad about not being able to feel sad? I think I believed a lie he told himself You cant blame someone for a lie they believe All I can do is wash my face and pick up what's left of my life I hope one day I can forgive him Im sad that I dont believe I'll ever love him again I dont believe he will actualize the lie he told himself and I dont believe he would do it for me I don't believe he ever loved me and that's a strange realization to make To mourn something fictional I can't believe for example that he will love me *again* when there was no beginning I don't believe these things are probable But I hope, I hope the fairytale wasn't a lie and I miss it Maybe I do have more faith than I thought, than he thought For now I will hold the heaviness and wonder what to cry over and wonder why I feel I ought to There are worse tragedies, there were worse days It's strange to miss him because I've missed him for so long already I dont feel like I lost him I feel like maybe I lost someone who possibly existed a long time ago Who possibly never existed at all His friend joked that someone believed he was real after all I did I don't any longer I haven't for a long time, probably since Christmas |