Speed bump month again I've said before that Ramadan feels like speed bump month And I suppose this year it's more significant than ever Next month I'm going to be married And it's insane? And makes me so happy I can't really picture it This year was probably the most intense year of my life And I'm counting everything... yes, errthaaang I prayed fajr and my achey bones and muscles were stretchy stretched and thoughtful And I asked for forgiveness My belly is full We had a long talk about sex and personal history I think No I know That's the most honest I've ever been with myself or anyone else Ever Like since I was pooped upon this planet It was amazing I think that's as naked as I can get And it made me feel close to him And we squeezed hands harder like we were trying to tell each other with squish pressure how much we love each other Pasghetti monster is still here, but since therapy his voice has been significantly quieted I'm still afraid but I know I'm allowed to be afraid, I know why I'm afraid, I know what being afraid makes me think and makes me want to do-- All that's left now is to feel it Feel the dark abstract mush and try to stop it from infecting my mind I always thought my problem was that there's such a disconnect between how I feel and what I think After listening to Eckhart Tolle, now I feel like the problem is there's not enough of a disconnect My feelings affect how I think more than the other way around I like that about me, I like that ratio I'd rather feel more than think -- but maybe I've gone too far down the spectrum It's maddening to not be able to rationalize it away I need to grieve I know I'm grieving I know I'm feeling all the hurts I never let myself feel because he makes me safe enough to hurt I feel bad it's all unloading on him The one who's been nothing but adorable is getting all the anger and sadness and paranoia I could never express to the rest of them I'm glad we have slow down month before the big leap It makes sense It all makes so much sense Too much sense I dont know how to process happily ever after I love my D |