Tomorrow I turn 30 And I stayed up all night with my friend who fell in love with a genderqueer person Who she says doesn't love her back And I'm sad for her and surprised she can be into boobs And annoyed I stayed up til five And I feel like a sounding board And I feel like I don't know how to love people without becoming utterly drained or a doormat Except Douda, who doesn't count as a person because he's some floating shiny thing that squishes suicidal ideation out of my bones and he refuses to see me as anything short of a miracle Also he smells like sleepy babies and joy I'm on anti anxiety medication And I'm not lighting things on fire And today I drove and didn't have a panic attack I saw dead pool and put my hand in his shirt and a movie theatre lady with slightly widened manic eyes was passive aggressive to me in the bathroom (where she followed me?) and stared at me in the theatre like I was on the verge of giving him a blowjob I should've given him a blowjob My 20s were weird And wonderful I was an art teacher and an english teacher Bad and good things happened to my body I was very productive and very lazy and very scared and very brave And I met Douda, who will feed me things when I'm 30 And will wife me in 3 months Also I saw an angel dog I was going to swerve my car into a lightpost and he trotted out onto the road and stared at me and I stared at him And he trotted away and I didnt kill myself I only care about Douda and being alive I have a tiny heart Literally I saw an x-ray I'll sleep away the last of my twenties now I also care about invisible diary readers and the void So kisses to you |