I'm having a panic attack and he's asleep And I called twice Like a crazy person And I don't know if he's ever had one I think he has And I love him, I do But I still get possessed by this cold feet demon in the middle of the night And I don't know how I can marry him if I've never seen him cry He doesn't have to cry Ugh I don't know how I can get married period How are you supposed to pack that kind of bag? He says he's happy to float and dissociate and think of the future He says we'll both be somewhere new But it doesn't feel like that for me, it feels like everything I cared about is far away And like I'm moving to a whole other planet And like he's following through on a plan he's always had And I'm trying to be hopeful I feel like he thinks I need romantic overtures and grand gestures Which are wonderful, truly, they make me warm and elicit high pitched melting sounds But what I need is to see him being raw and silly and every day I love that and I don't know how to build that And I'm freaking out that there isnt enough time to do it I dont need grand gestures, what I need is to experience his fear and anger and sadness I'm scared and I wish we had more time Maybe we do have time and I'm just getting ahead of myself I need to stay sane in this house and weird floaty temporary life I'll just focus on my body and head and try to love myself in tiny ways Like falling asleep now |