That part where I obsess over obsessing and ruin my life a little bit I'm fucking up I'm not trying to fuck up I suppose I'm not trying to avoid fucking up either Fuck fuck fuck I like that word I don't want to do what I'm supposed to do This is what I'm supposed to do: Lose weight, Save money, Care about teaching, Learn how to use the programs on the computer that makes me cry because it's a present from the boy I'm going to marry and it's too much to take in and I feel like it stares at me from the corner of the room -- and it's missing parts and I don't want to get them and I haven't told him...I didn't mean not to tell him... Ugh And finally, fucking find myself while being there for my family which is deeply invested in destroying any sense of self that doesn't serve their interests This is not what I'm supposed to do: Smoke so god damn much, The days off don't feel like days off I'm not supposed to fluctuate between idealizing him so much I cant breathe, to doubting whether I even want to be in a relationship I do want to be with him He's just pure love and we fit together like puzzle pieces But that doesn't matter to my head and I can't explain that And he does get frustrated even if he says he doesn't I wish he'd say he does We're different I can't explain that I'll always want to die sometimes I can't explain that just because I won't and I've learned to be confident that I won't, doesn't mean I don't feel like I live on a cliff edge We're different Not in a way that leads to arguments I don't want to be heavy and that makes me heavier and I know it because I'm usually on the other end of this I always feel this way before it gets better I don't expect or want him to be like me He'll never say he's jealous or scared or angry in the moment Maybe he doesn't know he feels that way in the moment And maybe that's a better way to be I do want to know when he's angry or jealous or scared in the moment Does that really make him less himself? I dont know I wonder if he expects or wants me to be like him I don't think he thinks about it I think he thinks about being in love or not being in love and feeling it or resisting it I dont think he lets himself think about what will drive him crazy in a few years I need to stop thinking about him I don't know how to stop And I don't like living in the future Even when it's thinking about good things I feel like I'm not here and I'm not real I cant think straight and I can't sleep |