Entering creepy ass deja vu phase...? I'm friends with the same people I knew freshman year in university I took the same anti anxiety pill I started taking sophomore year in university I'm not allowing myself to like the same guy I didnt allow myself to like at 18 And as a celibate (but not for religious reasons) freak --I'm dealing with same issues I dealt with as a virgin We went through this gooey warm fuzzy slideshow of old pictures today-- I'm as fat as I was before I started being slutty/constantly high for 3 years Cute person who I'm not allowing myself to like (who gives away NOTHING. Fucking ZIP.) said we all circle back to the same problems And I said yes, everyone has a theme Because I'm fatalistic and forget that I am And he said something to the effect of well--thats just how we go about problem solving And that epiphanies arent really sudden bursts of inspiration that manifest from nothing but are actually the result of mulling over shit forever and ever until one day some tiny piece of information makes it all click together It made me think that maybe there's something momentous about this feeling of having come full circle to the same problems He said it might be my time And for some reason I believed him And this tiny seed of quiet confidence wriggled its way into my tar encased fatty fat heart Also I really miss Zooz and he probably hates me. That's okay if it's helpful. Maybe this time I can resolve this in my way and not because of poking and prodding from well meaning pushy friends And not the way I attempted to before This time--in a really boring, calculated and non instantly gratifying way I wrote a funny song which I havent done since the Ethos gig Im enjoying being alone in endeavors Cute boy said I should be careful not to like it out of fear And there's probably some of that going on But also, I haven't been alone Not really Not ever So even if part of my liking it now is out of fear, it's still a radical change And I want to explore it and trust myself not to be lost in it It used to be my worst fear Who hides behind their worst fear? ... Batman? Batman and ME I dont think I'll get so comfortable I think eventually I'll be ready to depend on someone If only because I know I'm not going to be celibate until I die I'm okay with deja vu phase It's challenging |