And then-- Agatha Christie ended the first Poirot novel with "And then--" I asked A to pick a letter To which he responded letter 3 :) C then Christie I had to choose between The Secret Adversary and The Mysterious Affair at Styles A suggested I read about the mysterious affair-- it had the word mysterious in the title I couldn't argue with that Later, I found out my father was a fan and read her novels in Arabic when he was younger Hitchcock said she was the only person who knew how to write plot It was so delicious, so clever I sped through it And I haven't gotten lost in a story in a very long time Engrossed I haven't really been engrossed with anything in a very long time Maybe knitting But that's more switching off my head It's the difference between the rest you feel from sleeping and the rest you feel from going to the beach I love film-- but lately I haven't seen one that took me far away I forgot the intimacy of a good book I've been reading (very slowly) The Art of Being by Fromm that a sweet friend lent me embarrassingly long ago But that's the opposite of escape I should probably give it back to her... although technically she did say when I finish it The problem is I'm not sure I'll ever be done Well in any case--I liked being gone I've been socializing regularly And I'm starting to remember why I disappeared from everyone I'm afraid of stepping on toes and I'm afraid of hurting mine I love being on stage, it's honest Awful, disingenuous luvvies say that all the time The ones who don't get off stage I believe that they don't know how But I think some of the really rotten ones don't even try I try and very rarely succeed I envy people who know when to bite their tongues and paraphrase and spew out raw chunks of mess I envy the ones that know what ratio of doing the above, truthfully represents who they are Everyone's a little bit of something right? A little shy, a little silly, a little angry But mostly they're a certain composition and some very interesting human beans know exactly what that is and communicate it with ease Sometimes someone will claim to know me better than I know myself-- and it's wonderful when I believe them But then I'm destroyed when I don't I see that's ridiculous now And I see that I spent entirely too much time wondering if I should place the blame on myself for possibly being dishonest or the other party for possibly being insensitive I wonder now why I get so lonely I wonder why a lot of people feel lonely Maybe one day I'll have more to say on the subject. And then-- |