Okay Everything's weirdly relevant all the time when you're in love I think in the honeymoon phase, we lose ourselves and then later There's still this heightened sense of being without any pink bubbles to cushion our fall Mondays become Mondays again but they're overhung with the stupor of a heartstring stretching dream, that we're desperately trying to remember the details of Like maybe we can set up the same feeling again if we follow the same steps Create the same conditions and pretend it's new But we can't make it new He said all of this was the easy part I wonder all the time about the other impossible love stories He thinks I'm jealous and unforgiving I want to know More than anything--more than protecting my pride and more than happily ever after It's still pride I guess I think I stayed with the maniacs so long because they were mean And I thought mean was honest And maybe it is Maybe I can forgive anything but distance S used to say home is where the hurt is T says being close means saying ugly things in the safest way N says she's not a tough cookie but she's resilient I think boys confuse being thick skinned with being strong I think even the most sensitive ones still believe feeling is weakness I think they're much more afraid Kundera wrote about a little poet who was bullied at school because he was marked by his mother's love And I suppose some girls are marked by their fathers' distance I feel like there's this ever widening schism in my head I'm both fully invested in diving off the deep end and in waiting for them to announce they've drained the pool indefinitely He said he feels empty Maybe he thought I'd fill him up It makes me mad that I was ready to give up what fills me up Neither of us should give up anything and allowing the other to do so means being selfish and we don't know how It makes me mad that the goodness he said he wanted to take/learn is now a fault And the idea of goodness in the first place is grating Woof says the good girl I don't know how to speak or be He says we should just be Can we fucking be? Okay. |