okay I was bullshitting myself I'M FREAKIN PAUSING. ugh. and thank you for this -- Daughter, Youth -- because what I really needed was for it to be in song form so I can play it over and over again as it slowly drowns out everyone else's problems that I'm so not equipped to handle right now I wasn't equipped then either. anyway, I'm done pretending that's probably an improvement--and even if it isn't a few days ago, I read something really honest from somebody I don't know talking to the world and he decorated the words with purple flowers and moonlight which are two of my new favorite things so it felt like it was mine and it was so unassuming and kind without trying to be kind and powerful raw-- and it made me hopeful and I missed this, invisible readers I don't want to be safe in my head that's not me, and I don't want to change this part of myself I like taking down the walls I love showing ugly and stupid and silly And maybe some people keep it inside, like a mess they hope will disappear if nobody sees it. And maybe some people keep it inside like a house pet that they kiss and patronize and control. Well I guess I love shamelessly and I guess I love with reverence And the trippy one was wrong, I'm not turned on by liars And my legs hurt from wandering around But this time I didn't walk alone and this time I had soft heads on my shoulders And this time I watched F turn ashtrays into planets and straws into spaceships and most impressively, a hole in a napkin into gravity And this time I sat next to the drums and dissolved in the thunder And this time I drew lines before I crossed them This time I fell apart and kept it together I can see that about myself now, because I don't think he knows how to do what I do when I cry I feel like a kid who found out not everybody can twist their tongues right and left or wiggle their ears K says I assume that people who go through similar hurt will reach similar conclusions when really there are two conclusions you keep hurting by avoiding getting hurt and eventually end up hurting others (and yourself) or you realize hurt feels OW and you avoid hurting others at the risk of hurting yourself, you step on your pride--and you find that actually, you aren't hurt so much anymore so no, I won't be as clever as him I won't be proud and paint a pretty face because I don't want to be presentable I want to be loved (especially when I'm pathetic!) |