universal self consciousness i'm developing a soft spot for 'slimy, smiley, greasy, unapologetic in an ill fitting suit but surprisingly self aware' i think i can only underestimate or overestimate self awareness in others and i think that's only what you can do to me too and maybe that's why i can justify and excuse and say love while bluntly concluding that you're kind of a piece of shit K calls this view-- 'seeing only the flower growing in the piece of shit, believing in the flower so much that the shit blurs away into the background' i told her i don't ignore the shit, i see it, i just call it fertilizer S likes the fertilizer theory and my other friend, you know, the one who draws portraits too--he's jealous i had no idea my new interest is jealousy. it's so much more juicy than love. well, i say new-- but i started thinking about it since that rant about loss--and about how nobody can define loss. jealousy and loss i think they're tied--irrevocably tangled not envy--which is the disease of the unhappy--wanting something you don't need but jealousy--wanting someone you don't want anyway, the point is, i had no idea i mean he flies, he doesn't stick to anything, he's got the kind of liberating trauma that lets you look monsters in the face without flinching or at least he seemed like that sometimes i wonder if we're just waiting, pretending we're not waiting, being very busy busy busy because that means we're fine and functional and smell nice and even if it doesn't at least we'll forget sometimes i wonder if we're afraid to be the last kid to be picked up from school while the other kids look from the car windows and the bus windows or don't look at all and both (looking and not) are just as bad sometimes i wonder if we want to bump into people who fit into the shape of an excuse an excuse to think or feel something that would be unbearable to think or feel alone |