I think I'm an 80 year old lesbian I adore my cat and most of the time I think I understand what he's saying. I enjoy a deep sense of satisfaction crocheting bag lady style red finger gloves while smoking a cigarette. I feel sexy in my lacy blue grandma-shorts girdle. I have perfected the mommy look of disapproval and can make people from one to fifty years old feel uncomfortable, sweaty and guilty without uttering a word to them. I own rollers and go to sleep with them when I need to have bouncy hair the next day. I almost never need to have bouncy hair the next day and can bobby pin/scrunchy my hair into the modest christian woman look in less than 3 seconds. I rock cardigans. I yell at the bad guy in foreign (usually Turkish) telenovela style soaps. I collect recipes/worship Nigella Lawson. I circle things in catalogs. I am compelled to give children candy. I find the prospect of sex exhausting and beneficial only for the light work out or the brief distraction from responsibilities (like a coffee break, but messier). I find the prospect of talking to flirts exhausting and in no way beneficial. I just want warm drinks in delicate china. All the time. |