do i look like mabel chiltern to you? she asks the canvas the neighbor boy proposed again--through our fathers. yuck. the only time we met, he spoke exclusively to my brother and made eye contact once it's not even what you think, the guy is flirting vis a vis my baba for god's sake no--our eyes met when i was laughing hysterically and couldn't compose myself enough to wipe off the chocolate cake i'd managed to get on my nose. not exactly the sexiest moment of my life. we were at our masyaf (egyptian equivalent of summering with family) and of course i looked unsightly and felt awkward. besides delight, the beach brings out two things in me--an afro and regret that i'm incapable of packing anything even remotely appropriate. and yes i'm judging him. in fact, i judge anyone who would be moved to spend a lifetime with me, especially based on that encounter. although i must admit, part of me is tickled by the thought of entering into wedlock with a fundamentalist. were i to finally cave into societal pressure ie, temporarily lose my mind again and consider marriage--it seems to me a puritan is as ideal a husband as any :) (seriously, i've experimented a lot with 'any') but i still have my wits about me, for now i'll paint and hold out for my dandy--dreaming of the psychological warfare that is the modern courtship i so long for ---- okay i dont even want that much. i'm exhausted. i went from monomaniacal virgin to a soi-disant libertarian artsy type thing in 3 years, took another 3 to become completely jaded by it, and i've only just begun to process why reinvention only works for lady gaga, and hardly even then maybe madonna would've been a better reference. i wanted to sound hip. nothing turns you into a relic faster than saying the word hip. lately i feel either like a relic or the kind of toddler that eats things to understand them i feel like we're living mirrored lives. it's nice to know there's someone else out there so utterly at a loss as to why people love or hate them. he's much more nonchalant about the whole thing. i retreat to the corner of my 'studio' and mix paint all day while meditating on lofty white canvases. observe, fanana-banana: but i made you, why are you intimidating me? i need to get out more. |