in a moment i gave the past year meaning and purpose remembering remembering who i was before sara before sara and i before this radically new person i've become with a world view that isn't just from a different angle but in a different galaxy altogether it was traumatizing losing political science it's singularly clear ingy is me before this year this year that i needed to push away with all my might because it just wasn't processing because i was too sad to process because i was too sad to feel and then there were direct repetitions and childish similes salim again (yes, salim, God only knows why) there's even noha who is another me in ways that ingy isn't this entire year was possibly the most narcissistic bizarre exploration of self i've ever unwillingly selfishly indulged in don't misunderstand i'm not apologizing, because i had no idea what i was doing but forgive me, because i just landed --- forgive me sara and shehab and ingy and amira and vladdy and husam and jasmine and noha and asser and salim and everyone i sucked into this real fiction written by my subconscious hand that fated all of this not just this past year, but all of it forgive me jan and nora and rehaam and gehad and suad forgive me charlene and mena and chan yang forgive me axel, you most of all --- sara used to say that i assign everyone roles, i resented this without really knowing why i know i resent the truth but this also felt untrue i've learned now that it's a partial truth everyone in my life is assigned a role, but i'm playing a role too--because i'm not directing something inside me that's grown more alive than the part of me that says hello and drinks orange soda is in love with a destiny that i swear to God i can't see --- this is what i have to do, i'm too in love with my fiction of ideals to live with someone in a way that isn't worthy of being published and the only way i can think to stop this purist callous artist inside me from hurting people, real people, real people real people who love and are loved the only way to stop this thing is to deprive it of characters the funny thing is, even this isolation is something i've dreamt of since i was a child something inside me wrote this all so long ago, the way i would wear my hair, raping love out of the most childish boy i know for my first orgasm, the beautiful strangers i make sure to keep at a distance so they visit at magically opportune moments so i'm sorry, i can't be your friend thank you for being part of the longest, loneliest social experiment that concluded only in the recognition of itself this probably means very little now but i never wanted to hurt anyone, i just wanted to be somebody--and i didn't know how |