Eclipse She told me she'd help me download and save this diary too She said a lot of things But only the things convenient for her got done The things that made me a better maid Or complacent sex bot I just got out of the hospital she left me in I was strip searched She made sure to leave my vibrator in the bag to humiliate me in front of the hijabi conservative nurses as they searched through my things for drugs I wasn't taking It's self admission, it's like a resort, you'll get your phone whenever you want, you'll have your privacy Translation "get the fuck inside" The last thing I said to her face That I will ever say to her face Did you take out the box? And she lied to me and said yes Yes I took out your sex toy And rolled it in to the nurses like it was garbage They gave me nasty looks when they held it up That's when it started dawning on me She's nasty and petty Thank God I wrote Mou's name too She told me to lie when we saw the intake doctor She did the talking "Did anything recent trigger the panic attacks?" I looked at her She said, "losing her job" Nothing to do with her Our living situation The hell she put me in When I asked her if she did anything wrong she sighs and says "I was complacent" I left my body when she lied to the doctor Which was good because my body became a thing to be inspected and probed Draw blood Throw her into the psychotics and drug addict ward Women's wards Women's prisons Everyone's story is a man having too much power I will never see her again, I will never let someone do this to me again I got stuff out of it this time It was a heavy transaction I got a sex toy, a Fitbit and a suitcase I traded my mind body and soul for them But she can't keep those So joke's on her She kept putting off her genderGP emails And she got over penetration dysphoria really fast And kept going when I said choking on it reminded me of rape It made me wonder if any of it was real If any of her is real If I just met like the ultimate most sophisticated form of my father And she truly believes she's a savior, she hates herself and is a savior at the same time If I did meet the ultimate most sophisticated form of my father I think I beat it I think she had to show her ugliness to herself And if she doesn't transition, if that part was a lie Then I beat an actual sociopath I think my new rule is: if you abandon me to go clubbing on my birthday, you're probably a piece of shit Her teeth are orange and rotten And she thinks dentistry is a conspiracy Cried so she would brush them Cried so she would clean out her cupboards clear up her table Send perfume to her mom Pay for her brother's classes He got to me I've only experienced it a few months He had it for years Years and years and years She made fun of him in front of me If he's loud and annoying just tell him to shut up She found it draining to be around them Or maybe it was draining that I loved them and they loved me An AuDHD girl in the ward who is a life coach and self admitted after self harm too sat with me She listened and asked me questions And I felt more stupid with every answer "You're describing a narcissist" -Why did she say it was your job? -Why didn't she let you talk about your parents? -Your living situation? -What did she help you with on the list? She paid for medication and most of my therapy -Most? I paid for the last couple of sessions -What else? She paid for me to see a gynecologist for my endometriosis -Before you got your period? No after a couple of them, she saw I couldn't move -And what did you do for her? I cooked -When you could move... I paused while my brain exploded. -What else did you do? I got her makeup and a wig and a diffuser and oils so her room smells nice I reminded her about her visa I told her what her mother's favorite perfume is I looked up things about software engineering even though I don't understand anything, I read GitHub because she scrolls through fast and hates reading and I somehow found something relevant... -You said she's a millionaire and you lost your job? Yes -Did you lose your job before you met her? No, after -What happened to make you stop working? I was overwhelmed -Was the work too hard? No, I was good at it, it was easier than my shitty customer service 9 hour job I though even full time it's 6 hours doing something I know how to do I thought I could do it - When you met her what happened? She asked me to go to Germany with her and keep her company, she said I could afford it and she'd help pay, she would show me how to get travel insurance and all the steps. She would help me renew my Egyptian passport for re entry. - Why didn't you know the steps? I only travelled alone once in my life, when my mother died. I went to California and stayed with a predator. I had to sleep in a homeless shelter to get away. - Did she know that? Yes. She said travelling would heal me from that. - Did she help you plan the trip, did she show you the steps? No. -Did she do that? No. - So what did you do? I told her I can't go to Germany or depend on her, I told her I'm stressed out and scared. We broke up. - Did you tell her work was overwhelming you? I don't know if it was when we broke up or before. But I told her I don't feel okay now, it's a new job and I don't want to mess it up, but my laptop (Frankenstein with a broken keyboard that I attached to a monitor, speakers and a keyboard like a CPU) was barely functional And I told her I would try to use my brothers old laptop and see if it worked I wasn't sure if there was something wrong with it or not She started saying I don't have to come on weekends only I can come in the middle of the week So I taught classes at her house on my brothers old laptop It restarted with an error every now and then but I managed to get through a few classes I asked her to look at the error - You said she's a software engineer? Yes - So she fixed the laptop for you? No she took me to a mall and I paid a lot (for me) to fix it. I think she kissed me at some point and we got back together. - So you were teaching at her house when you were together? Yes but I don't know at what point in the timeline that was Early on, when I could afford to squeeze in classes between dates because I didn't have a full schedule yet And I could drive home for the early classes the next day - That sounds stressful Yeah, it was stressful -Did the laptop help you work? No it wasn't fixed. I had it on as a back up. When Frankenstein stopped working, I turned it on and it kept restarting with the same error. I had a VIP client and another two classes but my head shut down. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I called her and said can I come over with the laptop, hoping she could fix it. - Did she fix it? She hugged me, I was hysterical. She did fix it. -Wait she knew how to fix it? Yeah but she said the other fix would have been better -And when she fixed it did it help you work? I pushed through one more class and broke down and told my boss I can't do more and I'm not okay. -What did Nour say? She said I shouldn't talk to my boss when I'm like that and she'll help me talk to her later -Did you want to talk to your boss? No I was hysterical I wanted to hug her and calm down - Did you calm down? Yes after a lot of crying - And then you talked to your boss? No we kept having sex - When did you start having sex? From the second date I think - How was it? She cried and said she felt disconnected from her penis. I told her it was okay She didn't like kissing because she didn't like wet lips She said it's a sensory thing I felt like it was her first experience and I needed to protect her Because I don't want anyone to feel sex trauma - Did you have sex trauma? Yes - Did you feel safe with her? The first time yeah - But later you felt different? Yeah eventually she wanted penetration, and she pressured me to have sex in the shower - Did she know about your sex trauma? Yes, I told her I was raped and the most violent time I was anally raped - Did she try anal? Yes
I kept saying I feel stupid She said you're not stupid She tried to give me a book about forming healthy habits but they wouldn't let me take it out
I can't be heartbroken about something that was never real I'm disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner Before I lost the job But I needed to leave Babas house The laptops were going to break anyway I couldnt see it in her I didn't want to see it I needed love, even if it was a game of pretend And I was a mouse and she was a trap And then I stood up for myself and I was a trap And she was a bigger trap An ugly one One that was hard to sell to her family and to my friends One where she had to leave a nasty surprise in my bag to feel like she didn't lose the game Beebo was a real one He called it from the get go She has my papers, my passports and my laptop I won't meet her I don't want to talk to her I'm scared of her I don't think I can beat her twice
Narcissists are predictable, the only comforting thing about them |